Trials and Tribulations of Lurkers and Victims
by unutterably stupid dragon
Summary: National Treasure's Ian Howe, Mummy's Ardeth Bey, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, and who knows who else get involved when dragon and a group of semi virtual friends decide to gift the National Treasure villain with the Mummy villainess ... In memorium RevSam
1. Chapter 1

For those who have not entered the weird world of Forever Knight's Lurkers Rastro and Maddog, may they forever make fun of whatever they're watching, dragon(mom) once upon a time begged for admittance to their hallowed halls of insanity, wrote a foolish lurk and was awarded her very own tesserect which is something like having a TARDIS you can't get into and much like the beloved Doctor's, tends to be less than brilliant about landing the lurking companions of dragon where they're intending to go. It also only lands you in fandom venues, the real world is not on any of its coordinate values.

This said, in an errant moment after National Treasure, dragon and the Evil Sib Consortium decided to deliver a present to Ian Howe while he languished in Club Fed. As with most draconic plans, this went somewhat awry … Ian Howe, Anhksunamun, Meela, Ardeth Bey and the SeaQuest crew (and Captain Jack Sparrow) all belong to someone else … lots of someone elses. Revsam, Rini, Grace and whatever other sibs volunteered to be involved in this unfinished business …

Trials and Tribulations of a lurker's victim

There was an odd muffled noise behind the rotund dragon who was practicing her very best innocent look. Rini and Grace, knowing dragon quite well, ignored the look and peered around dragon into the room behind her. Both got rather odd looks on their faces, somewhat as though they were trying to figure out whether to laugh or worry.

"Uhm ... mom ..." Rini started.

"Uh ... dragon, darling, who is that?" Grace managed to articulate the question before Rini did.

dragon looked around as though surprised to find a body wound in yards and yards of black silk cord lying on the Persian rug on the floor behind her. "Oh, that .. Uhm, well ... i was sort of randomly wandering .."

A double snerk met that comment. dragon glared at them. Somehow they seemed as impervious to her glare as a number of characters she'd been reading about lately. She shrugged her shoulders. "Well, she was just kinda lying about waiting for another story to happen and i had all this black silk cord lying there and ... well, i was thinking she might be the perfect gift for Mr. Howe ... maybe."

The really well bound figure made an indeterminate noise. The elongated dark eyes shot daggers at all and sundry. Luckily, they were glare daggers and not real daggers.

"Mom. Who?"

"Oh .. uhm, well, i'm not sure. I think it's Meela ... but it might not be."

Jaws dropped. Grace recovered first. "Dragon!" she expostulated.

There was that innocent look again. "You don't think she'd make a nice decoration for his cell?"

"Dragon!"

"Mom!"

*blink*

to be continued ... if Ms. Nais does not unentangle herself and obliterate a certain rotund dragon, of course g *snicker*


	2. Chapter 2

More trials and tribs ... or is that sibs?

Ever game to help out, Rini and Grace assisted dragon in moving the cord wrapped form onto the thickly padded bed of the inimitable All Purpose Cultural Cat Truck Nuku Nuku. Grace still did not understand the nickname for the vehicle, but that wasn't important. They pulled the rollover cover out so that the body in question was neither obvious, nor in much discomfort due to the desert sun.

"Uhm - dragon ..."

"Yep."

"Ian's in jail."

"Yeah."

"We're going to - drive ..."

dragon grinned at her. "Actually, through the wonders of wierd science, the brood has installed a tesserect in the dashboard of the truck. I set the coordinates thusly," which she did with a flourish.  
>"And we are ... not in jail, thank heavens," she pointed out with a chuckle. They were, however, standing on the golden sands of a desert lacking the stunted vegetation of the one they had been standing in.<p>

Grace's eyebrows rose in inquiry while Rini giggled.

"Trust Mom." She leaned over and reset the coordinates, pushed the "Go Now" button and they were still not in jail. Or even near one. Rini frowned at the device. "Mom, what'd you do?"

"Nothing. I pushed the buttons to tell it the coordinates and ... that's it."

Rini sighed, pulled a much smaller version of the device from her pocket and left for a moment, essentially stranding Grace and dragon wherever they were with their captive.

"At least it's not snowing," dragon pointed out helpfully as neither she nor Grace were dressed for snow. Since the cover for the truck bed could be tented and allowed access to the massive airconditioner unit installed in the diminutive truck, they took refuge with their "gift".

"You're sure that's Meela?"

"Well ... uhm ... no."

"What do you mean 'no'?" Grace expostulated.

"Well, it looks like Meela, but that means it looks like Anck-su-namum, as well. Frankly, given the tempers of either, I don't want to find out."

The figure made a muffled, irritated noise. Who the heck were Meela and ... whatever that other name was?

Rini appeared at the end of the truckbed with the Revsam in tow. "She was going to take you to lunch," she pointed out to dragon. "But, noooooo, you've gotta be sittin' in the middle of the most forsaken part of the Gobi Desert!"

"Mongols?" dragon perked up curiously.

"Mom!" The ever multisyllabic Rini expressed her annoyance. "We have the coordinates."

Grace clapped and dragon grinned. Both clambered out of the back of the truck and went to supervise as Rini punched in the correct coordinates. Then, they were in jail, but only for the length of time it took to sneak the wrapped up present into Ian Howe's cell and stop abruptly when they discovered there was no Mr. Howe in his cell.

"Released?" dragon whispered?

At which point the sirens went off and all hell broke loose.

"Jailbreak," Rini deciphered unhelpfully.

to be continued ...


	3. Chapter 3

Trials, tribs and even more sibs

dragon considered the noise levels and the probable connotations of a truck in the hallway of a prison, even a very nice fed prison like the one where Ian Howe was incarcerated, and decided discretion was the better part of valor. This would have worked very well save for the fact that dear Grace, the phenomenally catsuited one, had become distracted by looking for Ian.

"Grace!" dragon hissed theatrically.

"Hmm?" Momentarily distracted by dragon, Grace managed to get captured by the person for whom they were looking. The arm around her waist drawing her against that lovely warm chest was nice, the one around her throat, less so.  
>She looked sideways into a pair of determined blue eyes. The somewhat goofy grin on her frace made the man frown. "Hi," she said breathily. "We've been looking for you."<p>

Ian Howe looked from the *slight throat clearing noise* very nice armful he had captured to the ... truck? ... sitting in the hallway looking very much out of place, to the black clad dragon and her very bemused looking friend. Muffled mutterings and thumpings in the bed of the truck caused his brows to draw together. Something very hard and round poked him in the ribs.

"Let her go," Rini advised gently. "I really don't want to be poking holes in people, bloodstains being so difficult to get out of clothing, but that's a friend and we don't like friend's getting hurt."

Hurt? Grace's fuzzy brain tried to get wrapped around that idea. Nyah. This was Ian, the misunderstood, the ... hey ... oxygen to the brain, very helpful, she thought as his arm tightened around her neck, then loosened. He released her with a shove toward her peculiar companions. She stumbled a couple of steps forward, staggered and managed not to fall down. She made a mental note to remind dragon that three inch heels were not suitable for adventuring in ... unless it was a lurk, of course.

She turned to face Ian and smiled brightly. "Since there's a jailbreak going on anyway, wanta leave?"

"How?" He couldn't help himself. He had no faith in much of anything, but there was something just insanely engaging about the situation.

"Get in the truck."

"Grace ..."

He stepped forward, waiting for the gun behind him to go off. Nothing. He picked up speed as he headed for the bed of the truck and slid in to find himself next to a wriggling, partially unbound figure who glared at him. Helpfully, he started unwinding the black silk cord until he could see a face in the shadowed interior of the covered truck bed. His first thought was Egyptian frescos. Silky black hair, elongated dark eyes (at least they looked dark), a definitive, very charming nose and a generous mouth firmed into a disapproving line at the moment.

"Get me out of this!" she demanded with a charming if unplaceable accent.

dragon waggled her eyebrows in inquiry at Rini who stood there with a short length of pipe in her hand. It wasn't her fault the man thought it felt like a gun barrel, now was it. She grinned at her mom and tossed the pipe lightly onto the nearest cot so it didn't make any noise that could bring someone else down on them.

"Shall we go?"

Rini looked confused. "I thought we were leaving her with him ..."

"Plan B!"

Inside the truck, it felt like the world shifted then stopped. For first time travellers, it was not the most pleasant sensation. Ian scrambled back out of the truck to find it perched precariously on the ramparts of a fort over looking the sea. He back pedalled furiously to keep from launching  
>himself into said sea.<p>

"What the Hell?"

In the cab of the truck, dragon was looking thoughtful while Rini was shaking her head and their other two companions were looking about curiously.

"Well, he is sort of a pirate ..." *bright grin*

"Mom, Port Royale ... they hang pirates ... and witches ..."

Hmm. Maybe Rini had a point there ...

to be continued ...

Trials, tribs, sibs and pirates in a china shop

Due to the precarious position of the truck, dragon decided it would be a good idea to move it forward slightly before wandering on to other places. The truck was not a cooperative as she wished. In fact, it refused to start.

"Mom ..." *poke, poke* "Mom."

"What?"

"We have company."

There was something in the tone that made dragon look around. Oh, no. Not now. She could feel her brain slowly turning to mush. Sigh. Why did that dratted pirate have this effect on her.

About five feet away, Captain Jack Sparrow stood surveying the truck and it's occupants. The red coated guards following him seemed to fade into the distance and insignificance as his bright eyes took in the faded blue vehicle and the magnificently cat-suited Grace along with the slender, rounded Rini who's insanely red hair lifted on the sea breezes. He grinned. dragon was very glad she was leaning on the truck as her knees took on the consistency of water.

The young lady who was not Meela or Ankh-su-namun peered out of the back of the truck where Ian was sitting trying to make sense of things. Finding the "roll it up" button, she caused the truck bed cover to retract so that clambering out of the back of the truck became less perilous, although the sheath dress she wore was not the most helpful outfit for this purpose.

Jack's eyes brightened even more as he surveyed the very Egyptian looking young woman who's dark eyes looked him up and down in a most intriguing manner. He sauntered over and introduced himself while Grace the ever helpful gave Ian a hand out of the truck.

dragon's brain kicked back into gear as she took in the two bright grins in the area and rolled her eyes. Count on Grace. Luckily, there wasn't anything in the area that counted as a room. Out of the corner of her eye she caught Jack's bow to the ex-captive.

"Captain Jack Sparrow ..."

She smiled and introduced herself. "Yasmin Bey."

Grace, Rini, the Rev and dragon looked about in wild surmise. Bey? In whatever reality dragon found her, this girl was related to ... oh boy. Somewhere there was an annoyed Ardeth Bey looking for a relation he hadn't managed to protect. They were very glad they weren't in the right time and place at the moment.

Several dozen British soldiers clattered into view, guns askew, wigs a bit that way as well and mouths dropping open at the outlandish view in front of them. dragon was galvanized into action.

"Everybody into the truck!" As they all piled into the truck, causing it to tip backwards, dragon punched in coordinates and the entire group, including the truck, blipped out leaving the soldiers with jaws dropped and brains feverishly trying to come up with an explanation for their loss of the cornered pirate.

They materialized in a most unpromising island, shrouded by fog. Jack took his eyes off the engaging Mistress Bey long enough to raise an eyebrow. Well, he supposed with magic working, this was a reasonable result. At least there was fresh water in the cave. He sighed. He'd just have to keep an eye on the chest. His dark gaze roved over the group, stopping on the blonde man who's eyes seemed to be having a hard time figuring out where to focus. Between Grace and the  
>incredible amounts of treasure around them, his brain was having a few problems tracking. Something about the man told Jack he was trouble.<p>

A soft hand on his arm brought his attention back to Yasmin. Oh, my. Trouble. He twirled his moustache and smiled at the lady.

Noting the place and the look, Rini and dragon both rolled their eyes and tried to figure out new coordinates before Ian discovered "the chest" ...

to be continuedg


	4. Chapter 4

Trials, tribs, sibs and occasional weirdness

Ian Howe's eyes were wide and round with wonder ... not greed, wonder. There were piles and piles and piles of gold and precious metals, both plain and inlaid with wonderous jewels and ... his companion reached over and gently pushed his lower jaw up before he drooled.

"Gently."

"That is ... a lot ..."

"Aye, that it is, me lad. and it be mine and me crews. Ye'll not be forgetting that, will ye?" a soft voice told him, menace and steel underlying the velvet gravel.

Ian looked around into the liquid dark eyes of Captain Jack Sparrow and his jaw dropped again. The man was dressed like a pirate, a classical 17th century pirate. This was crazy. His nose wrinkled as a breeze wafted the man's scent across his nose. He smelled like a 17th century pirate.

"Who and what are you?" Ian asked.

Jack grinned. "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow," he introduced himself with a half bow. "Captain of the fastest and most feared pirate ship in the Caribbean."

"The Black Pearl," dragon and Grace breathed together. They refrained from looking at each other, both bordering on incipient hysteria at the thought. Not to mention both having Ian and Jack in visual range which was working on deranging their abilities to think coherently.

Rini looked disgusted while the Rev just looked bemused.

"Mom ..."

"Hmmm?"

"We are not where we're supposed to be."

*blink* "Well. Er. Uhm. No. But it's better than being clapped in irons and hung by Norrington. Grace, get your mind out of that gutter." dragon knew exactly where Grace's mind went with the words "hung" and "norrington" in the same sentence.

Grace grinned at her, emulating Jack quite nicely. She smiled at Ian and Jack, the latter caught letting his appreciative gaze wander up and down the catsuit. The only problem Jack had was that he couldn't for the life of him figure out where the ties were on that outfit. He so wanted to find the closures and un-do them ...

"OK, so we've got ... er ...not Ankh/Meela with Ian, but Ian's not in jail and we're not in the right time zone ..."

Ian began to move gently through the mounds of treasure, cataloguing a piece here and there under his breath. The lady he'd unbound tagged along, her attention split between pretty-shiney-thingees and Ian.

As the latter moved toward the chest, he found his path blocked by Jack. Ian stood slightly taller, forcing the pirate to look up. What Ian found in the other man's face was not reassuring. He glanced at the chest. "Pre-Columbian?"

"Off limits, mate." There was nothing friendly in Jack's voice.

"Why? It can't hold a ... even a small percentage of what's lying about out here."

Jack sighed. "Cursed."

Ian laughed. Curses were not a part of his understanding of the universe. Several female voices combined to assure him that the gold in the chest was indeed cursed and it was a ... well, it wasn't necessarily a good thing to have to deal with it. Jack eyed the ladies oddly at that. How the hell did they know about the curse? Who had Will and Liz been talking to?

"Look, why don't we just move the truck someplace ... less tempting?" dragon said brightly as she punched in coordinates and waved brightly at Jack while Grace grabbed Ian and his gift.

"What the ..."

dragon cringed as the Captain of the Seaquest bellowed about having a truck parked in the corridor. The dolphin lazily swimming through one of the acess tubes laughed at all and sundry while Jack looked just a little out of his depth ...

"Mom ..." for once is was a single syllable just before Rini fell off the truck bed laughing.

more to come ...


End file.
